2022 reflections, and impostor syndrome

2022 has been a year where it felt like my life kicked into overdrive, in all the best ways. Some of the career highlights:

• My debut novel, Two Can Play That Game, went through the entire publishing process from developmental edits through to holding the actual, final, physical book in my hand!
• I got to connect with INCREDIBLE #LoveOzYA authors I’ve looked up to for a long time now because my publisher got the book into their hands, and so many responded so kindly with blurbs that had me screaming
• All four of the escape rooms I designed with my collaborator and business partner Aaron were nominated for an international escape room award run by enthusiasts, and two of them were finalists!
• Participated in two panels at PAX Australia, the biggest gaming convention in our neck of the woods
• Wrote, edited (with my awesome agent Andrea) and submitted a new manuscript that’s become a comfort read for me, which is NOT something I’ve ever applied to my own books
• Moved into a place of my own!

It’s interesting doing a highlights reel like this, because when I’m in the nitty-gritty of the day to day, it doesn’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. If anything, it feels like I’m struggling to keep up, to be more, to be enough in some way, shape or form.

It’s so easy to see the shortcomings, because they’re in your face on a daily basis. Such as:

• Two Can Play That Game hasn’t been able to crack the international market outside of Australia. Definitely not the US, which is pretty much the biggest market. (Also it would be wonderful to get a sale now while the Australian exchange rate is garbage, thanks!)
• One of our escape games just missed out on hitting the top 100 in the awards, and the other rated pretty low on the finalist list. Again, that feeling where you’re on the edge of great but can’t quite reach that level.
• Comparing my skills to my business partner’s and feeling wholly replaceable in my own role. Ergo, feeling like I need to work harder to make up for that, which… snowballs. Fast.
• Maybe somewhat related, struggling to maintain a social life of any sort.

To be honest, I wish I had an easy answer to all these feelings that negate the good. The incredible, even. I’m simply thankful for friends and family who continue to encourage me, who remind me over and over (despite being sick of repeating the same thing, I’m sure) that I bring what I bring, in my own way. That I need to celebrate the things in the now, because there will always be something more I could do.

I don’t actually know where this is going, but I guess I just wanted to leave this here as a reminder that no matter how much you achieve, the feeling of not-enough doesn’t go away, wherever you are in the process. And that having a supportive community is the best antidote!